| In desperate need of change. |
[Nov. 4th, 2008|07:13 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
America is in desperate need of change.
If you haven't already, go now!
California voters have less than two hours left before the polls close..
It's frustrating to know that most of the people i've been demonstrating with aren't even registered... GRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWW.
How do we expect changes to be made if the people who are expressing their beliefs aren't even doing anything to make a difference?
The future outcome depends on the votes of the new generation.. we are the
ones who will make a difference in this lifetime. Are we really going to let the fate of our nation continue to be decided by our grandparents?
I'm not talking about the presidential election here; hopefully all of you are smart enough individuals to know that this is out of the people's hands... the electoral college really decides this fateful outcome...
What really matters right now is the propositions.
Disclaimers:
*I apologize to those of you reading this right now that are out of state, for the complaints about which I am about to make will have no retrospective to you.
*I also hope that you all understand that I am not trying to push my views on you.. I honestly respect whatever you people are voting for; as long as you're voting on what you believe in. But the fact remains that I may feel differently than you. Even so, thank you for voting, and if what i'm about to say offends you please do not take offense and know that I respect you regardless of our feelings on the matter.. people are people.
Thus being said, I shall continue.
It's sad what this country has come to.. what some people are doing to get their point across.
So much fucking ignorance. I'm not usually a political activist.. but what i've been seeing recently has been enough to make me sick; enough for me to want to start screaming out on the streets naked if it would only get people's attention.
WTF is wrong with you people..... Brain Washing children is not the right way to propagandize.
More than ever have I seen middle schoolers and elementary school students going around with signs that I know they don't fully understand; that I know they got from their rich and conservative parents who are trying to impose their ideals on them; and being how impacting our parents are to us at that state in life, they don't try to resist the concept... they don't try to understand. They just accept it, regardless if they know what it truly means to be "gay" or not, or how offending and hurtful it is to call someone a "faggot."
Just today I heard my 7 year old brother say a few things that shocked me, while talking to my dad about politics, and our difference of views on them.
My brother knew McCain's name right off the bat, but then asked us "that other's guy's name." I said, "Obama." He then proceeded to tell me that his class told him that "Obama is a baby killer." he also said "Yes on 8."
Of course my 2nd grade brother has no idea what's going on. And yet he was propagandizing something he was told to was right.
I can't even express how angry this makes me.... How much it makes me want to scream out in frustration...
My brother goes to a Christian School... if this makes more sense.
Honestly I can respect differences of options, I may not sound tolerant right now, but that's only because this is the first time i've truly let my feelings out about the matter.
I'm not saying my side is handling the situation any better. What I saw last night sickened me; was enough to make me wish people weren't so fucking stupid, that you could slap sense into them..
Calling out people in their cars that weren't supporting our case; stooping to their level with equally rude and immature name-calling.. Wrongly advocating drug use.. displaying irrational behaviors.. Ill promoting the issue as a whole, giving the people promoting and the prop a bad name...
Ugh. People are interesting.. but sometimes I can't help but despise them as a whole. Mindless sheep... Irrational beings... Ignorant creatures.. Selfish animals..
Use your fucking brains for once... Show a little compassion...
..Is it really going to kill you to open your eyes and think beyond your own selfish motives?
Is it really that hard to be accepting of people that think differently than you?
Sigh.
I'm going to go cast my vote, now.
Maybe you'll do the same.
Thanks for listening.
Hopefully some of you can understand where i'm coming from.. |
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| An End to Ends. |
[Oct. 25th, 2008|04:27 pm] |
They took my car away...
It's just been sitting in the driveway unmoving for over a month now..
and yet I can't help wanting to cry..
all of the memories taken away...
...to be destroyed with the car..
v_v;;;;;;;
Hold me, invisible comfort..
non existent feelings..
..I feel so empty.
So, spiritless..
There's nothing left to take away from me...
I am all that remains. |
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| I'm so exhausted, and should be showing. |
[Oct. 23rd, 2008|02:40 am] |
...
But today was an interesting day at work, and for some odd reason I take pleasure in documenting such things.
Lets start of with the basics; comments from guests.
"You know, some people have a fetish." (Referring to my tenticals I was waving in front of his face, and implying such.. it was awkward.. but entertaining. xD )
"You're a fucking sexy lady." *Makes a strange gruggling noise* (no joke.. it was odd.. xD)
The regular comments, "you're fucking sick!" "You're the most badass thing in this maze." "You're fucking scary man!" "You're the scariest thing here!" "You're goregous!" "Aww.. You're so cute" (Actually that was a new one. xD)"What the fuck is she?"
It's always nice to hear i'm doing my job well.. and that I don't look as idiotic as I often feel...
I also got groped like several times... awkward...
Alright now here's the good stuff!
Edgar! My socially awkward boss! xD
I have to make this quick.. i'm so tired.. xD
Arriving today; conversation after having won first place last night.
Me- "Wtf,? We won? How the hell did that happen? Sunday sucked... I worked my ass off on Friday and Saturday and of course nothing."
Edgar- "Yeah I know! I was watching you.. you were crazy!"
Um.... thanks? xD
Later, playing lazertag...
Edgar- Wtf! You ruined my perfect score! I can't believe you hit me!"
Me- *laughs at him*
Edgar- *looks very discontent* xD
Later, in my "room" of the maze.. he was fiddling with the spider on the wall..
Me- "You broke my spider!!"
Him- I was fixing it! It was in your room.. you must of broke it! (sarcasticly)"
Me- "Oh, right, right. Sure, I broke it..."
Him- *laughs*
Later, after seeing him walk by like the 20th time later in the night..
Me- "Why arn't there any yellow shirts tonight? (our bosses that judge us)
Him- "I don't know.... Hey, i'm a yellowshirt!"
Me- "You don't count!"
Him- "I'm all the yellow shirt you need."
Me- Awkward Pause
Me- "Oh sure, sure..."
Him- "You're not really a talent then!"
Me- "Hey that's not the same.."
Later, after wanting a bandaid
Me- "Do you have a band-aid? I cut my finger on accident this morning and it somehow opened up again.."
Him- "Awwww, are you okay?" *frowns* (which was very funny) xD
Me- "Don't pretend that you care, I know you really don't!"
Him- "I care, i'm the one that has to clean up the blood you get in my maze"
Me- "I figured"
Me- *shows him the bandaid* (on my middle finger) "See, all better now.." (holds up middle finger
HIm- *laughs*
After smelling Weed in the Maze
Me- "What did you do?"
Him- "It wasn't me, I just got here!"
odd... xD
None of these incidents are realivant.. it's just funny. I don't know. Edgar is odd. I don't have any attraction to him.. but I kind of enjoy the teasing.. xD |
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| I don't know why he does this to me. |
[Oct. 15th, 2008|01:33 am] |
He drives me crazy. I can't even help it... My god.
It makes me hurt inside...
My god... I don't know why I feel this way.. how my whole body can just shake with longing, desire for nothing more than to be near him.
I really wish I didn't feel this way...
I try my hardest not too.
I honestly wish I didn't....
that this sick captivation would just go away..
I feel like i'm tied to an invisible chain he doesn't even know he has me on.
A prisoner held bond to an uninterested captor.
Nothing more than a toy. A plaything that he's grown bored of.
Tormented by the poison that won't leave the body... That I can't handle not having... I'd hurt more without the toxic...
...I regret the kiss I should have never gotten...
I feel like a ravenous killer...
now that I tasted blood,
I can't help but want more....
...I feel like I have a sickness of the mind..
like a plague that just won't go away..
Ugg. I don't mean to get this way. I should be doing homework and going on with my life. All I did was check my myspace.. I noticed he changed his picture.. to this sexy vampire picture.. and the desire and longing just flooded me.. it makes me want to cry.. I regret the kiss I should have never gotten... now that I know what he tastes like, I can't help but want it so much more.
I had a dream the other night that really bothered me. It just purely upset me. I wish I never dreamt such a dream.. or that I never had to wake up. One of the two... or maybe a mix of both.
I don't even remember the point of the dream that lucidly.. only the part that counts really. It was sorta like murder.. well, only in the instance that he was leaning over me in the car... to get change out of the center divider as I sat in the passenger seat. Except it was day instead of night; the light of the day reflecting off his skin too perfectly, almost glittering in the light.. like some sort of vampire from a story tale. When his skin grew close to mine, I could feel the heat inside of me rise; my heart beat quicken in my throat. The longing and desire hit me like a strong current of the ocean, rising without mercy upon me, leaving me to be sweap away by emotions I couldn't control. He's honestly driving me insane... I wanted to kiss him so bad, much like the urges I've had in real life, except i'm much too coward to do so. ...As he reached back away from me, a whimper escaped from my slightly parted lips as my face grew closer to his.. I wanted it so badly; just one kiss to satisfy my empty lips; full of unsatisfied wantings. Again like a vampire from a fairytale, our lips barely met, only touching enough to tease me even more, throwing me into a frenzylike state as he smiled and pulled away; completely enjoying every last groan escaping my lips, every look full of hunger and want, every word left unspoken but still held in the air saying how willing I was to give myself to his every need, not in a sexual way but something so much more. After gaining enough satisfaction from my utter helplessness, he finally passionately kissed me, pinning me ferociously and ignoring the moans that I couldn't contain as our bodies quickly locked, my fingers entangling in his hair as his nails traced down my spine... sending marvelous chills of absolute ecxtacy, his nails digging into my lush skin only futhur exciting me, as he kissed my neck in an yet again vampiric way...
And then he gave me one last teasing smile, and left me with my thoughts.
And then I woke up.
I was so mad at myself.... this isn't the first dream i've had about him.. but waking up from such a graphic dream, the feelings still lingering... god. Just a dream. Never going to happen. My god... What is wrong with me. urggggggh.
So fucking frustrating. |
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| WHAT IS THIS?!? I've returned!! |
[Oct. 8th, 2008|12:52 am] |
So you're going to have to forgive me, the past 10 or so entries have been a catching up of the past year or so; where i've been blogging on myspace..... lucky you folks, I included my "private" entries as well, so I hope you all enjoy.
xD
Alright, so it's going to be a while until I can get used to writing on this again, I've been journaling nightly on paper so maybe somehow I can transfer those entries as well... that however will take some time, so you must forgive me. I usually only resort to myspace blogging these days if their's absolutely something I just must get out, and don't feel like paper alone is enough to satisfy such feelings.. sometimes knowing that someone can read it, even if no one really will, is comforting. hmm...
I think the bottom line of why I stopped writing in here was because a.} I because too overwelmeved with all my stupid communites, thus I would miss all of my real friend's entries, b.} I was frustrated with the childish display my livejournal represented.. I felt it didn't accurately express the way I was feeling and didn't want to deal with changing it, so thus I left it behind. and c.} for some reason I had negitively conintated this journal with ill feelings.. possibly because of all the absurdity of teenage drama and perhaps everything I wrote regarding Frankie and I's relationship. I didn't want to constantly be reminded of the person I was or the relationship I was in and how it made me feel, thus I strayed away from those things which reminded me of thus.
In any case... i'm going to need glasses if i'm going to start wrighting in this again.. it's sorta blurry. xD Maybe that's why I stopped as well...
Well, I have alot to write, and I promise I shall return! For now, more of Alice and her adventures in wonderland... and then sleep. (I hope!)
I look forward to writing more to you later.
Good night.. and it's good to be back.
_Kelly |
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| Tokidoki. |
[Oct. 8th, 2008|12:51 am] |
Friday, September 12, 2008
Tokidoki.
Maybe this is karma for doing it to so many other people...
maybe it's just one of those days, where you get in one of those worhless moods.
Regardless...
I fucking hate feeling this way.
Gah.
I'm trying my hardest not too.
I'm going to bed.
Or at least going to lay in bed.
To have racing thoughts..
I had an odd dream the other day.
One of his beautiful friends told me I should just go away;
I was annoying him and he was laughing at me behind my back anyway.
..Sometimes I wonder if I can see the truth of situations in my dreams. |
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| Karma. |
[Oct. 8th, 2008|12:51 am] |
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Karma.
Current mood: bummed
Do I have bad karma?
Is there something I did in this life that won't allow me happiness for more than ten seconds?
Tonight.. has been frustrating.
Of course.. it was going extremely well.. until about an hour ago. When I returned to my car, but not to the way I had left it.
At first I thought my window was gone, but then I realized that it had just been rolled completely down. The interior was amiss; nothing where was I left it.
The scene was starling.. similar to how I found my car less than a month ago, where someone had rummaged through my belongs and had taken the majority of my cds.. luckily of which were mostly burns, but evenso, I valued them just the same.. and the whole ordeal of having nothing to listen to was mildly inconvenient.
But this was different.
My purse was missing.
Heh, it's just so frustrating. This whole thing could have been prevented. I hid my purse in my car.. but apparently not well enough. Why didn't put it in the trunk? Did the 10 dollars I spent on the parking lot and the abundance of rent-a-cops really make me feel so secure? Sometimes I don't realize the danger I constantly put myself through.. like a walking accident waiting to happen. Like I'm constantly holding a sign that says "use me.. I want to be used.." Or "steal me.. i'll give you anything you always wanted ." Well no.. i'm not holding a sign. Maybe it's because i'm just too fucking nice. Well honestly.. life's not worth being mean. It's too fucking short.. and being unpleasant only makes life that more less unenjoyable. But apparently the saying is true.. Nice guys never win.
Well anyway, this is how I made out.
All of my makeup= gone.
My 70-80$ dollars.. gone.
My freshly bought Nocturnal ticket.. gone.
My social security card/credit cards/checking cards/ bank statements... gone.
My gym pass/ library cards/ school ids.. gone.
At least Ten years worth of pictures worth collecting.. gone.
3 movie tickets and over 60 dollars worth of gift cards to boarders.. gone.
Other important memorabilia.. important numbers.. concert stubs..
My ipod.. gone.
yeah, I pretty much had my life in there.
Honestly not a smart thing to do.. but seriously my purse is my life. and it's usually attached to me at the hip. I just didn't want to have to deal with dancing with it and the possibility of maybe losing it.. funny how that works out.
I'm not really that upset.. life will go on. I'm just like.. sincerely bummed. Very very bummed out. But overall.. i'm okay. Just frustrated. I just feel like it's my own stupidity that got me into this situation.. my own ignorance of others that's left me taken advantage of once again. Ugg... I think I may have left the window cracked too... so so so stupid. I can't help but trust people.. can't help but want to think that people are mostly good. Like I said.. I think I have bad Karma. Like i'm just not allowed to 100% even enjoy myself. This happens all the time.. and it's been happening more frequently as well. Or maybe that's just because i've recently taken more notice of it.
But anyway.. i'm too exhausted to give examples but i'll leave you with this overall explanation. Good things happen to me all the time.. and I am thankful. I meet the most interesting people, I have great friends.. I enjoy life, for the most part. But just when I get to that "wow this is awesome" phase, not even the best part of what it could be, things tend to go down hill.. and not just a slight incline, but more like a drastic plunge. Like.. instead of reaching the top of the roller coaster, the ride just suddenly just drops to the bottom, without any given warning. Maybe it's just how life is.. infact i'm very well prepared for the downs and ups of life, having already gone through many. It's just when then falls come out of no where.. that's what throws you off. It's more shocking than anything.. more of a dissociating feeling. I can't even explain it.. it just sucks. But i'll be okay. This probably isn't even the worst to come.. and when it does hit, i'll still be okay. After every storm there is a calm.. after every wave another to follow. ...life goes on. And like I said, it's not even that big of a deal. I just needed to get my feelings out.
It's funny... i had a weird vibe tonight. I was more anxious than usual.. more fidgety, more nervous about what was to come. I couldn't really place what was bothering me, I thought it was just because of this weekend to come in San Francisco, because of the drive and my shitty car. I dunno.. maybe it was more. Maybe I could feel something like this was going to happen.. like not know for sure, but kinda of just feel it.. intuition of sorts. I don't know, it was sorta throwing off my mood. Like making me feel uncertain about the whole situation, about my actions. Maybe this was the reason why.
I don't know who's ghost I pissed off...
Hopefully they get the point that i'm very sorry and I hope they'll stop tormenting me soon.
Alright.. I feel better now. At least, relieved for getting it off my chest.
Thanks no one/anyone...
Sometimes all it takes is knowing the comfort that someone in given time can read it, even if no one ever will.
It helps somehow, I guess. |
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| Obsession |
[Oct. 8th, 2008|12:51 am] |
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Compulsion Captive.
Current mood: anxious
..Obsession.
Ravishes my mind like an untamed disease,
contaminating and devouring everything in it's wake.
...There is no escape.
I am incapacitated; I can do nothing but watch myself through frozen doors as I become victim to my very own crime, the whim to my own mind.
The rapturous fixation raging, my weary resistance decaying.. |
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| Crying over spilt milk |
[Oct. 8th, 2008|12:50 am] |
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Crying Over Spilt Milk.
Current mood: drained
..I don't know why I let it get to me.
In fact.. I don't know why it means so much to me in the first place.
Maybe it's just because of everything going on right now.
In any case...
It's ridiculous.
The fake exhilaration.. I don't know why it captivates me so.. draws me near with the insincerity of it all.
The fame excites me.. thrills me to the bone.
and yet here I find myself whim to it's strings again.. being pulled along for the ride and nothing more.
Growing too attached... for nothing.
And yet I can't stop... can't stop the obsession... the sick infatuation that leaves me vurnable.
...heh.
Tonight was fun... but once again... I'm left with the empty hollow-ness.. the desire for more. And it was weird, tonight. It was like a switch accrued within me.. without me even realizing it. But as the night drew on.. I could feel it. The sadness. The longing. The memories.
I think.. because of my recent relations with certain individuals.. and the failure of others more recently, it's left me emotionally strung out, delirious and obvious to the world other than that of what I want to see. I mean.. everyone does this, but more so lately it's become out of control.
All I did was see her... and the more I thought about it.. the more I remembered.
It just left me so....
I can't even explain it.
But you see, that's all my relationship was with him.
Using each other for each's own personal needs; toying and teasing but nothing beyond. And because it was never finished... it goes on. Even our most recent reunions. As if we pick it up from where we left off, each time only resulting in yet another selfish impasse.
..It has no meaning.
and no solution.
it was fake...
..and yet I still remember him playing for me.. and only me.
..and how he would sing promise me in my ear.
.....
....and now, I am nothing to him. Even after seeing him not even a month ago. ...just another one of his plaything's of the past. Not even note worthy.
....
I let myself get too attached. I ddin't even realize it bothered me anymore... I had let it go. And yet here I sit... memories in paraphase. Falling past my window like the morning rain.
So much unfilled desire... so many promises left unkept.
...this secret's not worth keeping.
pshh.
I'm over it.
I just needed to vent.
There's nothing left here for us.. |
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| Une Mortee Beau. |
[Oct. 8th, 2008|12:49 am] |
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Une mortee beau.
Ben Norby died yesterday morning of a Heroin overdose.
Well, two yesterdays ago, now.
And yet, still I find myself unable to move on, unable to function as before.
.
..
..
It sucks that someone so beautiful had to die so young.
Someone so full of life, laughter.
Heh.
He was probably the only reason I went to my confirmation classes....
I was pretty back then, but he was beautiful. I couldn't help but stare. I couldn't help but obsess. He had such a demeanor about him.. that of which attracted all around him. Even though he was a punk.. he got the church girls drooling. I couldn't help but desire to reach out and touch him. And yet there I sat, in my own zipper black jeans, my own punk attire. Long strands of black hair draped into my face, his bright blond locks glittering under the article lights of our confirmation class. Neither of us were paying attention. I sat against the wall, my too thin legs parted as I bounced my foot nervously. He sat twittling in the same "in a different reality" sort of way. When I would sniffle.. he would look my way accusingly, a half smile on his face, as if he knew the true reason behind the gesture. And yet I never noticed his bruises.
..We both were forced into the situation.. but once I noticed him.. I practically begged my parents to take me. I dated a friend of his; but only to get closer to his "cooler" crowd. It was an odd sort of "I'll do anything to get your approval" sort of relationship. It was a challenge, one I enjoyed.
.. he's still the reason I don't drink coffee today... thanks to our coffee contest back in the day.
It was our confirmation retreat. I was excited. A whole weekend with Ben. Who would have know we would have gotten snowed in. But it was more than I could ask for.
Although only a tiniest drizzle of white fluff when we went outside, the ground was lined with a thin layer of lite snow. We gathered the little we could in our hands and threw it at each other. I still have a picture. He's laughing, Kyle by his side. It was a surprise picture, their smiles were real. Even Kyle looked happy. Who would know that Kyle would turn into a Petifile, kidnapping a young girl and trying to violate her. He always was a dick...
By the next morning, the day we were suppose to leave, the cabins were feet deep in snow.
..A storm had passed over night.
They hadn't even expected any snow. No one was dressed appropriately. Girls brought flip flops. Sweaters, maybe.
After a path was cleared, we were all mushed together in one big room, the assembly room, which included an open area, as if we were to all sit together. The other half of the room was the dinning hall, however coffee was available at all times, and bountiless.
So there we were, all of us, stuck in a room for the next 9 hours. We couldn't go outside. We had to stay in the room. Since the retreat was "officially" over, we didn't have to follow curriculum any more. It was all up too us now. We sat in a little semi-circle, Ben, Kyle, myself, a few other punk kids, and two of my friends; secluded from the main group of people. We didn't quite fit in with the rest of the kids. Somehow, our differences had led us to form one group, with one striking similarity; our discontent of being in the situation. We sat and talked about mindless conversations, Ben and I only once falling into a solitary conversation about his band, and how I should "check them out" sometime. Occasionally, a few of the group members would get up and walk to the coffee table, the only other source of entertainment in the large open room. Somewhere between the 4th and 6th cup of coffee, Ben and I started to get competitive. Whenever the other one would get up to get another cup, so would the other. So it would continue on for the next several hours. We made a game out of it, trying to distract the other and then running over to the coffee dispenser before the other. Our movements were mirrored. It continued in such a frenzy that even to get up at all would mean getting another cup of coffee. It was hilarious, a childish yet irresponsible situation. We drank ourselves till we felt awful, and continued on even when the sound of coffee was no longer appetizing.
He won; who knew drinking 74 cups of coffee in less than a two day span and nothing else was even possible.
I came close though, I had 71.
We both were sick for a week.
Heh.
He wasn't really a friend to say..
although we did have some sort of friendship.
..but he will always be remembered.
And I think he was a good singer, even if his bandmates kicked him out.. which, was because of his drug problem, not because he didn't have talent.
I went to his shows, at least.
...Even if I can't go to his funeral.
This fact alone is what almost gets to me the most.
...I can't even be there to show I care.
Or that, I once did care.
All that is left is what remains in my memories.
...
...Today, in general, has not been a good day.
I have a very hard time coping with loss, especially those I am close too.
Thank God I haven't lost anyone like that, yet.
Even though it pains me daily to be so far away.
At least they are still alive, even if I sometimes seem dead to them.
I have seen death before, a few times around.
But Ben had been the first like him.
Ronnie at least was a father, he had experienced one of the great joys of life, even if he wasn't able to see his small children grow.
My great grandparents were old; and although it was hard to see the pain on my grandmother's face, the weakness I never knew existed in her, the life lift away from the hospital bed as a twitching body laid bedridden and pained... at least they had lived a long and decent life.
Ben.. Ben, had not.
He was eighteen.
..Life had only begun.
And I had seen part of it..
Even if my life didn't mean the same to him.
I have seen many deaths that do not relate to me, but these, although traumatizing, are far less impacting.
I've looked suicide in the eyes... have stopped others from staring into it's fiery eyes. It doesn't even phase me anymore.
...I will move on.
Death is just such an unusual matter, something hard to comprehend, to fully understand.
But like everything else in life...
we can go on.
..He will be missed. |
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| Myspace, what have you become? |
[Oct. 8th, 2008|12:49 am] |
Friday, November 16, 2007
Myspace, what have you become?
Current mood: discontent
All I wanted was some company... after a week of solitude.
I return to myspace.. and am welcomed with hacked comments and chain letter bulletins.
....
Is this what myspace has subcomed too?
Complete bullshit... mindless misery?
All I wanted was a genuine comment,
a thoughtful message.
Even a feeble hello would of done.
..But I guess, where all beyond kindness and caring now.
Our lives go on.... too busy to stop and ask one another how sufferable their mindless lives have become.
heh.
So much for company....
a blank paper could fill my heart more... |
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| Pale Moon Rising |
[Oct. 8th, 2008|12:48 am] |
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Pale Moon Rising
Heh.
I'm so exhausted, that nothing written from my hand will be coherent.
And yet, I really wish I could form something.
I'm tired... but I don't want to fall into discomforted sleep, uneasy and tormented dreams that I often can't escape, even while awake. They haunt me.. the people I see, the thoughts I push away in my conscience mind.
...I want to write. I want to tell how i'm feeling. I want to explain. I want to fix things, make things better. I want to use my words.... but when placed with the opportunity, I remain still, only silence falling from my lips.
..
Perhaps, not every situation is really this difficult, but at least, one at current is.
....
...Things, have been rather discontent of late, but I'd really rather discuss other issues.
....I don't want to talk about my life right now, but I will speak of feelings, at least, small feelings.
...Halloween.
...Three days away.
I feel as if I can't wake this nightmare, as if halloween night has never existed except in the torment of mind.
...I used to love Halloween.
It's not as if it's because of where I am physically that is making this halloween so miserable... more so, i think; where I am mentally. I miss how Halloween used to be; tricker treating with friends, eating too much candy, unneeded decorations, dressing up everyday for school, going all out, going to haunted houses, buying halloween stuff, knotts, the excitement of it all, the scary movies...the spirit in general... childish things, really.
But it's always been my favorite... ever since I was a child.. and this year... it's just.... different. This could also be because of the absence of school.. but even so... it feels so different.... and I don't like it. It feels.. empty. It feels... sad... lonely. I'm stuck in a glimpse of the past... one I can't look away from, one I can't have again, one I don't even want again... but evenso, I can't look away... I'm mesmerized.
It's just been.. unsettling. Not to say it's all i've been dwelling on or that I can't go on... this is definitely not the case. It's just... depressing, that's all. It probably wouldn't even be as bad as i'm making it out to be if I didn't constantly have so much else on my mind, or if my health had been better, mentally and physically. I don't know. Just thoughts.
This halloween i'll hopefully be working, then going to a party where I won't be getting drunk, (although the idea sounds wonderful right now) and then getting on a plane to fly home to go to a wedding and then go to a real docter.
Heh.
I can't wait.
...Kill me now, won't you?
..Hmm.
I feel like I had alot more to say.
But I can't think of it right now.
My mind has gone blank.... My stomach hurts.. I need to check on the laundry.
..Happy Halloween. |
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| The Wind Haunted |
[Oct. 8th, 2008|12:48 am] |
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
The Wind Haunted
I had a dream with her in it last night.
It was a shadow of a memory... a time when she was different.
Fall reminds me of what used to be.. the events that took place last year.
It was my favorite time of year.
Somehow now... I find myself wanting; clinging to what used to be.
But everything is different now.
Everything... seems so much more harsh now.
Sometimes I wish I still had her...
But then I awake to the hurtful reality..
It was only a dream.
..she is gone now.
..Autumn leaves sway from their final binds, held fast as Wind chills them to the bone; trying with all her essence to entice them to fall.
..I look up to their constricting bonds..
...and wish for more.
I've always loved the wind... |
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| ...Feeling Sorta... |
[Oct. 8th, 2008|12:47 am] |
Thursday, September 27, 2007
..Feeling sorta..
Current mood: crushed
..Lost?
Heh. I hate myspace.
In other news. I'm back from my trip. I should be back again in Cali from Nov. 1-5ish. I'm going to a wedding.
..I start work this Friday night; tomorrow, I think.
I'm a vampire. I dislike my coworkers, but at least I'll get the pure exhilleration of wearing a pair of fangs and pretending to be something I can only truly be in my dreams. Heh.
..People disgust me. How I could ever have feelings for another... now, I do not know. But it sickens me. I like how myspace reminds me of the reality of it all.. how I can't live in my delusional little day dreams. People will be people, after all. ..And life goes on. I need to figure out what I'm doing. What I want out of life. ..I am still lost... I am still wandering; searching for something non-existent, something to fill the consuming hole inside that yearns for more. Sometimes I wish to act out on my foolish desires... but these craving are only temparary fixes; and after they are gone I am left only more unsatisfied than before, much how I am feeling now.
Hm. Can't wait for tomorrow...
Where I get to be someone else; something I truly wish to be. |
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| .Everthink |
[Oct. 8th, 2008|12:47 am] |
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Ever think.
..You hear a song, while a memory floods your mind. The sensation of a person long gone and forever past captivates your senses in that moment. ...Thus, I began to think about those that have gone through my life, forever nothing more than a stale memory passing in a forgotten song. These feelings arn't bad, nor good. They are nothing. They are just reminders.. of all that has come and gone; the people I once knew and loved, the impact they have made on my life and my feelings. It's not exactly a feeling of missing them.. since they have long been forgotten. It's just.. a small emotion of loss, that tiny sensation of lonliness that accompanies forgetting. A harsh word I use to describe the changing of time, but sometimes there's no other word to describe it. It goes both ways. One is not as much as the forgetter as the forgotten. The word is almost interchangable, for most. Small loses of life. Small moments of forgetting. For others... some are more impacting. More desolate. It just happens that way.. I guess. ...But does it really have to be so? Can paths never cross again, even those we swore we despise, even though the pleasant memories may remain?
Or... is it really so. Are we nothing more than that stale song... only momentary remembered with the passing of the rain. Are we a darkened rainbow.. fading as the sky sweeps it away. Yes, I think so. If even only thus. I don't know... maybe people don't feel the way I do... perhaps I hold on to too many memories, like a richly leafed willow in the dead of winter. Perhaps I am the only one that recovers these dorment memories of people long past, the joys and sorrows conbined in the moment; that of what has pasted and what will never be again... |
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| .Fail |
[Oct. 8th, 2008|12:46 am] |
Friday, June 01, 2007
.Fail
It's werid to think that in less than ten hours, I will be seated on a fine trimed lawn in a white folding chair; awaiting with sweaty palms as the names are called one by one, as if a concentration camp calling out the names sentenced to death. The anticipation feels the same, as if I was nowhere else but in the hollows of germany, chained into slavery, just awaiting to hear the syliables of which I am called by; awaiting as the moments silently slip me by, every second passed a moment taken for granted, every second rushing by as my mind is comsumed with anxiousities.
..It is truly an impasse. My mind is smotherd in confusion as all is lost once more; hope completely drowned in the the tension that floods my mind. Everything fails to make sense; my thoughts rage between regret and disappoint in every aspect of thinking. What shall I lose? What shall I gain? What path should I take? ...The steps just don't add up. There is no feesable option. There is no peaceful way out. To the rest of the world, this decision is easy; I am a fool for even thinking less of it. To my heart.. to my mind.. to my soul... I feel so conflicted. More and more the guilt of the situation weights heavy on my mind, more and more I grow tire of the mental defenses I have enclasped myself in. How much longer can I go on like this? ..I fear I do not know. I feel I no longer understand what my heart desires. I am losing sense of myself, what I want out of life. What happiness truly is. How I can become my own person. How I can make something for myself. My goals seem nominal. My life seems pathless. What is this sea of frusteration I have created, that of pain and that of regret, full of guilt and sorrow? What is it I truly desire? What is my purpose here? What do I believe in? Nothing, anymore. I no longer believe in myself, I have given up, like everyone else has in me. I have torn away from all those around me, all those I once considered life. Now, none of that matters. Nothing matters. I don't understand... I don't understand what is it is that I truly want. ..I have disspointed myself and others. I have betrayed my family. I have dishonored vaules I once placed over all others. What is it I am truly searching for? ...Trust? ...Comfort? ..Happiness? ...Religion? ..Life? ...Respect? ..Acceptance? ...Love? ..The warmth of another; one that only another soul can offer?.... I feel I no longer understand my raging emotions; my heart that swells with unrealistic dreams, unrealistic wants. ...Is this really what becomes of life? ...I feel I am wasting away... Losing my sanity, if nothing else.
I don't know.... I just... want someone to hold me and tell me that it will all be okay. That I'm not a failure. For someone to tell me they love me, to my face, and really mean it. And then allow me to break down and cry... and then have them hold me.
....This is all I want. Fuck College. Screw life. It's too short anyway. Just for now.. just this once... take me away to neverland... where we can be together... |
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| What is reality? |
[Apr. 12th, 2007|04:33 pm] |
As I sit here, my jaw pounding in my head, the faint taste of blood lingering on my lips, my vision blurred from the too many pills I've taken for today, I ponder on the meaning. ..What is reality?
We all retreat from it, we all hide from it, in each our own way.
We can push away from it, make it disspear for some moments in time.
...But ultimately, there is no escape.
There is no freedom from it's consuming walls, it's all crushing waves.
..We must all face it at some point in time.
But for now, I continue to run.
Sleep calls to me, pulling me in like hypnotic waves.
I answer to it's voice, as if in a trance.
...A beconing I know all too well. |
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| This feeling... |
[Apr. 11th, 2007|12:59 pm] |
Angel Once Past (12:24:22 PM): How does it feel?
Kelbels9 (12:24:47 PM): what do you mean
Angel Once Past (12:24:53 PM): You know...
Angel Once Past (12:24:56 PM): How does it feel?
Kelbels9 (12:28:19 PM): How does what feel
Angel Once Past (12:28:17 PM): Did it feel good?
Angel Once Past signed off at 12:29:02 PM.
Angel Once Past signed on at 12:29:07 PM.
Angel Once Past signed off at 12:29:13 PM.
Kelbels9 (12:57:55 PM): ...Like Heaven.
Angel Once Past is not available.
Kelbels9 (12:58:20 PM): I never knew loving an angel could be so perfect. I love you.
Angel Once Past is not available. |
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| Friday, April 06, 2007 |
[Apr. 10th, 2007|08:51 pm] |
The Cemetary Walls
Current mood: sleepy
Okay, first day of spring break, and I finally had enough time (and effort) to type out my writing about the San Luis Rey de Francia Mission Cemetary. It was stunningly beautiful, built in 1798. I really enjoyed the catcombs, the Indiana memorbia (addopted in 1830 to honor the Indianas who weren't properly buried in early times) and a few of the couple tomb stones. I also really like the Church, which reminded me alot of the Disney movie the Hunchback of Notre Dame, except with a twisted and dark approach. Well, hope you all enjoy. I must admit, I still need to do some editting. Just bear with me.
"..Till We Meet Again."
^from a tombstone that I saw.. I really liked that line...
Okay... Now here it goes!
....
March 29, 2007.
As I walk through the dusty hallways of an Early seventeen century mission, San Luis Rey; the walls a caked ivory, the path a faded brick; I wander until at last I have found my beautiful destination…… The Cemetery.
As I enter the semi-shaded sacred grounds, the crypts unnumbered and uneven, a scent of pure sweetness, indescrible with decay, fills my nostrils.
I stand in a graveyard built in 1798. Rosemary. That is what the scent is. And Wisteria. It's so tranquil,…… I believe I could live here. It's beautiful. Peaceful. Perfect.
I follow through shaded double doors,; as I walk past the 300 year walls of the mission's church, I can't help but be reminded of The Hunchback of Notre Dame in every way. The faded artwork of the walls seem to echo and stream out years of history. The Church's statues are so realistic; I can't help but shudder as I gaze into the heavyset eyes of each of the figures, many with distorted faces that seem to be frozen is some long held agony. The air is still, the high ceilings trapping the flower's stail scent, turning the beautiful fragrance into something suffocating, a haunting memoir of hours long past; a lingering scent that reminds me again of those who had lived and died, with only their spirit remaining. I continue back towards the Cemetery, and as I pass through the museum, I am halted before a golden sword, of which is dated from early 1800. The Weapon captives my mind for one minuscule minute, my thoughts enticed by the jagged edges of the worn dagger. For what unearthly purpose was this dulled and weary blade used for? I refused to let my mind calculate too many morbid explanations, hurriedly continuing through the high gates of the Cemetery walls, catching one last glimpse of the high flying Spanish flag, shimmering in it's bright colors of yellow and red, the Mexican flag of red white, and green shining proudly at it's side.
The Cemetary is deserted, just how I like it. I stand before the beati mortui moriuntur illocum, the Franciscan burid crypts. As I sit at the bottom step, my essence is quakened by the silence of the minuscule mortuary. Names varying from Sylvester to Edward, Gabriel to Maxmilianus; I can't help but have my head race as I soak in the presence of those that have passed before me. The wood is cracked, splintered in spots. The writing styles of the names addressed on the crypts differ in places, changing from various old English prints. As I run my hands along the hollow ways, I can't help imagining a bad horror film, and my knees practically give out as I begin to ascend the pale steps.
I continue east bound, desperate to explore the tiny desolate grounds. I pass a terribly small room, in the middle of the flat grounds, the terrible insides fills with cobwebs that hung from the ceiling only to drape ominously over the musty casket of which the little tomb withheld. My mind continues it's dizzily spin as I withhold the beauty of the scene set before me, my heart withholding every hidden emotion except that of serene solitude. I would like to visit more.
12:31 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove |
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| Saturday, March 31, 2007 |
[Apr. 10th, 2007|08:50 pm] |
anxiousities
Current mood: anxious
I feel ill. I am so overstressed right now... this stock project is driving me insane. I have so many thoughts in my head.. so much I wish to express.. but I really don't have the time. So thus, I will leave it at this. I am stressed. Sick with anxiousity. Overwelmed by going back to school... I want to go back to school, but I don't... only two months left.. I really need a job.. to find a college... to figure out life.. to apologize to people.. To help others.. to get my thoughts straightened out.. I am just so overwelmed with academics at present, this weekend is seriously going to be intirely devoted to schoolwork.. and This stock project is driving me insane... >.X
Today, is going to be the day, were it all comes back to you...
right now, you couldn't
I don't believe that anybody could the way I do, about you now....
Eh.. a strange dream last night... never ending hallways... a twisted hotel with strange faces.. and long dark shadows, (it was very false reality.. monsters, faires, demons, etc.,) an anime convention with strange things (see above).. worry.... confusion... looking for someone.... never finding him.... I got lost.. he never came looking for me... I began to run down the long hallway... searching for him in panic... in fear.... I didn't want him to go down the same pathway that I had... I was sick with anxiousity...
hmm...
okay one more thing before I get back to my stock project
I wrote several different times during Kiaros... I didn't realize how much I actually write for no reason except for a place to put my feelings... During Kiaros I often felt empty without a notebook in my hand... Just so I could take down thoughts... here's something that came to me while in the Cemetary...
2:44 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove |
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